if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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