Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I did not marry a roomba.
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