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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Is Oprah even human
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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