hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
