I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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