Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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