fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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