I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize