he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
