Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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