just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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