I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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