yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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