I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
