I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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