Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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