I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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