There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The power of my boobs compel you
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
