is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
