I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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