I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
