Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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