Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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