i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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