Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
