Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
