I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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