i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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