My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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