Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
