I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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