how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
