Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
false alarm, still single
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