At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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