I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
