apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
