I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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