Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
