I think I died a long time ago.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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