If that was your dad, he is hot
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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