i just wanna soil my oats bro
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
