remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
