You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
