I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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