I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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