My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
