I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
