Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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