Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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