I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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