Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize