If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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