I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
