My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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