I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
