I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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