I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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