You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
