i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
