I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
