Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
