i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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